Semi-recently I decided to stop playing off the whole self employed as a stop gap measure thing and get really serious about it. This came with
facing a lot of self paralyzing doubts about being “enough” for the task: resourceful
enough, talented enough, scrappy enough, qualified enough,
business-minded enough…you get the picture. What if I failed? What if I had to come crawling to my family for help or move back in with my mom? The doubts paralyzed me from making a decision for a long time. Finally I just kind of held my nose and jumped off the deep end because…well, at some point, wondering if you’re enough isn’t productive and you have to prove it or lose it, right?
So there’s a lesson in all this.
I have always been a
huuuuuge proponent of making decisions that are accurately reflective of
my skills. Some people don’t necessarily have a grasp on their
abilities and skills- we all have that crazily optimistic friend with
amazing self confidence we wish we could muster (a la Samantha Jones), or the friend who downplays every amazing achievement she’s ever had. I’ve always thought I have a
relatively accurate sense of self and my abilities, due in large part to my dad’s insistence on being more or less brutally honest about my talents (dancing, being extremely hyperbolic and talking to anything that moves) and my less than perfect points (math, basic people skills, building sandcastles, etc.) from the time I was about 4.
The issue here is that I let my “frank” self
assessments guide me toward a future rather than making active
decisions. I would never go for what I wanted if it didn’t gel really well with my skills and abilities. If I felt like I might fail or be rejected, I’d freeze up and sit in a holding pattern until the situation basically worked itself out. I rarely pushed myself outside of my comfort zone (intentionally) and I used “playing to my strengths” as the excuse to be emotionally and psychologically lazy.
After being more open and vulnerable about my fledgling business and my plans for it, I’ve decided to do the same in other aspects of my life. I’m embracing some things I’m less than
great at, or things I know I will have to go out on a limb for more than I would like to. Developing people skills? It’s been tough. Trying to do price projections for an event I’m running? That’s been frustrating. Going back to Paris? Initially, I felt
like I was juggling 10 plates and walking on broken glass at the same
time.
But for all the discomfort, I’m going after what I want. It is nice to know that I’m in control to prove it…or lose it. If failure and rejection and not always looking like I’ve got it all together or have all the answers are the side effects, so be it. Amongst other things, I’m learning that whatever I bring to the table after pushing past that last barrier of my comfort zone has to be good enough, and whether I’m good enough for what comes next…well, I’ll learn as I go.