After watching Girls, written by 25-year old Lena Dunham, the Olympics, in which every winner seems to be under the age of consent and realizing I’m almost the same age as Sylvia Plath when she died (and have achieved none of the accolades she did in her short life), I’ve come to the conclusion that using my age as an excuse for my laziness is no longer particularly permissible. Therefore, I am going to share a list of possible life choices I’m considering for this year so I can start down a path worth pursuing. (Your feedback is greatly appreciated.)
1) Start an band composed only of esoteric instruments such as the tambourine, glockenspiel, harmonica and bongo drums. We will only cover 80s hair bands such as Foreigner, INXS, Toto, Journey and White Snake. Just to shake it up, I may just throw in some Bon Jovi. You know you’ve always wanted to hear “Halfway There” on bongos.
2) Become a traveling never nude member of the Blue Man Group a la Tobias Funke. Thanks for the suggestion Hannah.
3) Do the social media for Portlandia. Between making memes of my favorite Portlandia moments (which are numerous and plenty) and trolling Craigslist for the creepiest, funniest Missed Connections to post, I think it’d be the perfect job to memorize the episodes I’ve yet to watch 20 times and lose my faith in humanity completely.
4) Sell absurd career ideas to people who have spare money and/or just want to be entertained. Use the money to shop at Whole Foods and Lululemon all. day. long.
5) Stop procrastinating and daydreaming about untenable and ridiculous ideas simply to obfuscate the fact that I’m having a quarter life crisis.
*Englishism for oatmeal
