Whoops. Should think before I do, hmmmm?
But after the initial, “Oh, shit. What have I done?!” moment where I couldn’t stop kicking myself for being so impulsive, I took stock of what I set out to do when I moved to London and decided that taking a step back and deciding, from a distance, if I truly want to settle and make my life for myself here isn’t such a bad idea.
Sometimes, when you suspend all brain activity and just let yourself go on autopilot, you do what you need rather than what you THINK you need. I think my moment of intense impulse was just that.
I came to Europe one year ago absolutely scared out of my wits. I remember feeling so terrified on my flight to Iceland that, for the first time in my life, I literally shut down. I didn’t feel anything. But that didn’t last for long; after sleeping off my jet lag in Melinda’s apartment, I took stock of the things I wanted from my year in Europe and hit the floor running.
And from there, even though it sounds cliche, I’ve had the experience I set out to have: I explored foreign cities (without major accident or injury, may I add), met squillions of inspirational and interesting people from literally all over the world and become involved in adventures and taken advantage of opportunities I never imagined I’d have. Even though there have been definite low points to the year, now that it is in my rear view, I realize it has been everything I’d hoped it would be— and then some.
Instead of trying to elongate an experience that cannot last- people move, opportunities come and go, family and friends back home beckon- I think I subconsciously recognized that I should quit while I’m ahead.
Now I’m back to that same terrifying position I was in last year.
Well, no, not the same.
This time, I can’t seem to switch off and go on autopilot, probably because, unlike last year, I have no navigational tool setting my course. This time last year I knew I was going to Paris, followed by London, where I wanted a specific experience while obtaining a specific degree and getting specific work experience. Now, for the first time EVER, I have no plan. No real place to live. Just three suitcases and lots of competing ideas.
For those of you that listened to me pontificate about my future and were always confused when I had a different and often conflicting story of my current and future plans throughout this year, a) I’m sorry for being a flibbertigibbet and b) thank you for listening, always. Even though it doesn’t look like it, I’m coming closer to figuring out what’s meant for me. Your advice did not go to waste even if you’re sitting back shaking your head and wondering what I’m going to do with this little mess I’ve made.
Keep reading here. I’ll keep you updated on where these notoriously indecisive and impulsive feet wander next.
